


I wrote a fic and called it something cynical

by black_polar_bear



Series: fics that are totally not based on my life [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Camp Pining Hearts, Crack, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/F, Human AU, I'm Sorry, No plot no porn, Shit posting, Weird Plot Shit, its like Seinfield
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2020-07-27 02:23:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20038357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_polar_bear/pseuds/black_polar_bear
Summary: Peridot is a porn addict and Lapis a drug addict.NO NO NO wait don’t go yet, they’re also room mates! in college! and peridot has crush on Lapis!Yes! thats cute isn it? so you're staying?Here is the first line because I’ve seen a lot of fics do that for their summaries:“So how do you write about sex if you’re a virgin?Also Lapis has depression (because obviously)And Peridot writes shitty fanfics and guess what, the story it’s from her POV because fanfics are just fucking self-inserts at the end of the day don’t @ me





	1. First chapter names are important to hook your audience

-so how do you write about sex if you’re a virgin?  
What did she just say? I stop typing in my laptop to look at my roommate lying in my bed, she is distracted with her phone instead, why does she always use my bed? I’m not complaining but if she wants the bottom bed she could just ask me, she knows I’ll do pretty much do whatever she says.  
-My god Lapis not now.  
-No I'm serious, like, you spend all day writing some lewd fics but you havent actually fuck so like how you write? y’know?  
Really? Now she is interested in my hobby? When I finally have some time to write and I’m in the mood.  
-Peeeeeeriiiiiiiiii  
-Ughhhh…. Fine *sigh*  
Okay just play it cool it’s nothing strange, just tell her so that you can go back to writing.  
-I’ve seen enough porn.  
-hmm really? Cause that time I caught you fingering you were just watching cartoons.  
-Ehmm it’s called hentai actually and yeah I occasionally watch it too.  
-pffff “occasionally” my ass, every night I stay here I see you watching it in your bed .  
Shit she saw me? I thought she was asleep! Wait she... watched me? That is actually... weird but kinda hot, NO it’s embarrassing she should’ve said something!  
-But if “hentai” is were you get inspiration that explains why your sex scenes are so bad.  
-Excuse me! How dare you criticise my love-making scenes full of passion and romance and also did you took my laptop to read my stuff?  
-Oh yeah I dot all the time, reading your stuff is just so bad it’s funny like why the fuck do you describe kissing like a battle between tongues and let me you no lube or any prep for a virgin? That shit is death and don’t get me started on people coming at the same time what are they? Gods!?  
-Okay okay fine I get it is not realistic but is what people want to read.  
\- Fair enough, no one wants to see the sad reality of love, specially virgins, they’ll be unmotivated .  
-Yeah exactly and if they are unmotivated they won’t fuck so they wouldn’t have babies so it would be the extinction of the whole human race. Basically I’m saving humanity by writing smut.  
-Hahaha sure you are!  
I love when I get her to laugh enough to snort, for some time it’s beautiful and funny at the same time.  
-Hey dog you know what else I found digging in your laptop?  
I see her getting up from my bed and walk towards me and damn my throat feels dry I really hope she didn’t figured it out.  
-You watch a lot of porn with blue haired girls with big tits.  
Fuck she did, this is it, the end of our friendship, I just lost my only friend in the most stupid way.  
she leans forward in front of me, just a little so that her loose top falls just enough to let me see she’s not wearing any bra. I can’t breath and everything feels too hot.  
-And why would you ever do that?  
Her face is so close to mine I can feel her breath, is... is this a signal? Should I do a move? Should I kiss her? No what if that’s not what she wants! Maybe I’ll just close my eyes and open my mouth a little so that she knows that I know and I want to and if she wants...  
-Well whateves, see you later looser, I’m going out with Jasper so you have the whole night for yourself.  
-Wh what... wait.  
She’s already closing the door by the time I open my eyes, she’s gone *sigh* I should really tell her to stop with the teasing... maybe. For now I should just try to finish this chapter, but... but I can’t focus I’m cause I’m too... Shit I’m turned on and focus, okay I’ll just put some really sexy porn, do this quickly, come and then I’ll write.

2 hours later

C’mon c’mon I’m almost there... Ah Yes yes!... almost... just... right there ahhhh ... a little more... aaaannddd...  
Wait it’s that the door opening?  
-oh shit Lapis!  
I quickly grab my pants to cover the little dignity I have left.  
-Chill dude, there’s nothing to hide you literally don’t have tits or ass.  
Well she doesn’t need to tell me that thank you very much. A very loud “FUCK ME HARDER DADDY” reminds me I did not close my laptop which I promptly do with too much force and I pray to whoever is listening I didn’t break it again.  
-You started since I left right?  
-Ehh nooo and why are you here? Weren’t you staying at Jasper’s?  
She turns lights on so she can clearly see my blushed lying face. And I can clearly see hers, she has a bruised eye, it will be swollen by tomorrow.  
-God lapis not again, you can’t go on like this.  
-What? it’s not my fault you take hours to get off.  
I wish she could get serious once in her life and not avoid the problems or at least talk seriously about them.  
-*sigh I’ll go for ice.  
-nah just pass me my bong, I left it on the desk.  
Fine why not? Weed has medical qualities after all. While I put my boxers on she drops like a life-less body on my bed, I pass her the bong and she takes some puffs. I sit next to her.  
-So... are you going tell me what happened?  
-I don’t think I need to, unless you get turned on by that kind of stuff.  
Sometimes I wish to erase that stupid smug smile of hers but it’s also infectious.  
-Why don’t you just dump Jasper?  
-I did, remember? A couple of times actually and it never ends well... Do you want some?  
-No thanks, So... what was it this time?  
-I don’t want to talk about it or think about it.  
She looks so beautiful when she’s like this, smoking, eyes closed, lying on bed , The “sad girl aesthetic” basically.  
-Lets just talk about stupid shit like... I don’t know how is your fanfic going?  
-like shit honestly I can’t even think of a good tittle so I’ll just call it something cynical to sound deep but I really don’t know how to write.  
-Ha nice move, self awareness and self deprecating humour always makes anything look great.  
-Speaking from personal experience?  
-Well of course how do you think I trick people into liking me?  
I’m pretty sure she’s trying to give me a mischievous smile but when she’s high it just looks like a drunk trying to flirt.  
-Touché  
-and what’s the story about anyway?  
-Well it’s about two boys who-  
-No no no I mean like what’s IT about you know? What are the themes, the character arch and all that jizz, I don’t remember too much from the creative writing class but I was awake some times so... some stuff I must know.  
-Uh well is about nothing really I just write as I go  
-Oh so like Seinfield?  
-I’ve never seen Seinfield  
-Me neither  
-But you have a Seinfield shirt don’t you?  
-yeah but just for the aesthetic hehe. Look my pointy point is to just say “it’s like Seinfield” if your fic doesn’t really have story, cause everyone loves Seinfield.  
-Okay will do.  
-for what shitty fandom are you writing anyway?  
-Camp Pining Hearts  
-haha the show that’s totally for kids but it’s mostly watched by adults cause they say it’s “deep” and has “subtext”  
-Yeah pretty much that one  
-oh so you’re one of those fans...  
-Oh and you’re one those assholes  
-touché, so which of the characters have you project yourself into?  
-You mean who’s the protagonist? Well Percy obviously, he’s blonde, nerdy... a virgin.  
-and I’m gonna guess there’s a bunkmate who’s totally the opposite of Percy but at the end they’re totally gonna bang.  
-I mean I guess, I haven’t planned it but if you want people to read it there needs to be hot sex.  
-pfff by “hot” you mean that bullshit you write? Hahaha yeah right.  
-Well for your information almost a hundred people like my five and say that it’s hot!  
-a hundred virgins who just want to read about their favourite characters getting it on because they’re horny! Horny people just don’t care about quality y’know? That’s why you isn’t it? U horny.  
-Well there’re many reasons to write fan fics besides being horny you know? There’s this really cool video by Sarah Z about transformative art and the many reasons people do i-  
-but you don’t write for any of those reasons do you? So stop pretending and just write smut, if you just want to trick people into believing you’re a decent writer just write with meta humour! That will get them and then at the last chapter just write every single fantasy that’s inside that twisted mind of yours.  
-wow that’s the best fucking advice I’ve heard, you should be a literature professor.  
-I should, the final exam would be to give an oral presentation... and then give me oral.  
-But you already tricked some freshmen into doing just that.  
-Haha yeah but if I was a teacher I could also reprove them  
-Holy shit you’re pure evil.  
-More like pure... high?? ShitI don’t know I’m tired and out of weed, well good night, you don’t mind if I sleep with you right? My bed is too far.  
Just right above us doesn’t seem too far, but she is high I guess it would be too difficult to climb. I could easily climb up but her tight grip on my arm tells me that’s not what she has in my mind. I guess we’ll sleep together but first I need to...  
-S-sure just let me... go to the bathroom for a sec.  
-wow am I really that hot or you’re just that horny?  
-*sigh I really need to get off every night or I can’t sleep I just can’t and I don’t know why.  
-wow you really have issues.  
You think I don’t know that. I know it’s weird but I just want to sleep okay? It won’t take too long okay?  
I always take too long I just can’t help it, not only because a vagina takes more work than a dick, but I also spend too much time in porn sites like mindlessly browsing tumblr for hours but one hand is always in my pants which makes it more difficult to browse honestly.


	2. Holy fuck I cant believe I actually wrote a second chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WASSSUP FAM!?  
Plot? what plot? porn without plot... and without porn actually :D

I didn’t want to fell for my roommate, but it’s hard not to want to fuck her after seeing her genitalia. I don’t know if she does it intentionally or if she just doesn’t give a fuck about walking around naked, I mean with her body who wouldn’t want to show it off. Totally opposite to mine, I can barely stand looking at the mirror without ripping my skin off with my nails.

Even with a purple eye she exudes confidence, wearing it like a Boy Scout badge. Of course that’s kind of the plan, making sure everyone knows Jasper hit her... again, alienate Jasper and make her feel like shit. I almost feel bad for the girl, her only strength used against her self, Lapis could kill her and everyone would still side with beautiful innocent Lapis, not with big brute Jasper and nobody would feel bad for her.

So that’s why this week Jasper’s been Lapis’s lap dog, spending all her money in whatever Lapis pleases, beating whoever Lapis doesn’t like and... well, being “brutally humiliated in the most hardcore sex I’ve ever had” according to Lapis, I don’t think I should listen to her but Lapis won’t shut up about it and I don’t have it in me to tell her to stop, all my willpower is used to not masturbate right there in front of her, but what can I do it’s good material for fanfics and gives me new porn categories to look up later. So far Jasper has gotten the “golden shower”, anal with a “dragon dildo”, tied up and choked, felching, satanic roleplay, electric shock foreplay.

Yesterday we were trying out the newest gift from Jasper, a Mario-themed bong, is pretty cute actually, it looks like one of the green pipes, the piranha plant is the bowl. We played No Mans Sky all day with the lights out, it’s a shit game but great when you are high, I remember finding an alien crab race that gave me some gems for some reason, they made some funny noises too, so we talked with the crabs for an hour and made them a house I think. We swapped the controller and bong every now and then. Then out of nowhere Lapis asked “hoe what was your first dildo?”  
“Ehh... a glue stick I think, in middle school,” she was mid-hit so she choked and laughed like she had lung cancer who just skipped chemo to go rave.  
“The fuck were you doing dude?! gluing your vagina!?”  
“Hey! I just picked what I had in my pencil case, it was that or scissors and I was not gonna make me a bigger slit, what was yours anyway, a drill?”  
“Hahaha Nope, but it’s an interesting idea, I should try it with Jasp later... but nah, I remember wanting the real shit but didn’t have money for a real dildo so... haha... so I Hahaha ahhh so I molded one!” She said pointing a finger to the sky like a proud anime protagonist. “So I took my lil sister’s Play-Doh, made a dick out of it and put a condom on it, obviously, you could say it was my favorite childhood kid, anyway that’s how I knew I wanted to be a sculptress”  
I should at least lie to you and tell you I had the decency to be grossed but honestly I was on the floor cause it was my turn to laugh maniacally. Lapis joined me on the floor after I calmed down. We stood there looking at the shining stars for a while (we have fluorescent star stickers on the roof specifically for this occasions) and then she said "dude thats the best fucking idea ever, moldable dildos! You're a chemistry nerd help me do it and we'll be millionaires"  
_______

"And that's why i've come to you professor Garnet."  
"You want to make a moldable material for dildos" said the chemistry professor.  
"Yeah pretty much"  
"You're still high"  
"NO im not!"  
"Then why the red eyes?"  
"Cause Lapis doesn't love me back" and immediately Peridot started crying loudly and sobbing. Garnet looked at her for a solid minute and considered just closing the door but after a roll of her eyes she let Peridot come into her office.  
Garnet is probably the coolest professor of all time. Imagine Heisenberg but actually very chill and gay. Her classes are fun, she has legs for days, sells cheap but good quality weed and antidepressants to people that actually need it. Ok so not at all like Heisenberg but look there’s a “pop-culture reference” quota all college AU fanfics need to hit okay?  
But what matters is that she knows about love, and I mean she really knows about what the fuck is up with love, not the kind of knowledge Lapis has about sex, 20 different kinks and a full book of kamasutra in her brain. Nah, Garnet gets love in all its shapes and forms, she understands the imperfections of family love, the naïvity of young love and the cosiness of adult love.  
“Here, eat it” Garnet said as she handed me a sandwich and I instantly devoured it, it was the most delicious sandwich I have ever eaten.  
“Peridot your eyes”  
I tried to roll my eyes into my skull to look at them but then I realised that was kind of hard to do, someone should invent a pair of glasses that can reflect your eyes into your eyes so that you can see your eyes with your own eyes... at any time. Oh shit Garnet is waiting for something, what was it? Something about my eyes? “What about them?”  
“They’re red”  
I laughed and said like “no shit Sherlock, I’m high as fuck if you didn’t notice”  
“Oh I’ve notice, but that kind of red in your eyes plus the bags under them tells me they’re from watching porn all night”  
Shit, okay wow I’m that obvious? I mean sure anyone who spares me a second glance can bet their mothers life that I’m a virgin but do I look so bad like an incel? Is my hand hairy? Ummm nope but oh it looks kind of funny “hehehe…”  
“Peri you’re one of my favourite students and I want to help you but anything that I say right now is useless so just take a nap here”  
Or maybe she said “don’t take a nap here” either way, that was the last thing I remember before waking up in Garnets empty classroom, the door was locked so I had to use the window, landed on my face, broke my nose and got a lot of scratches everywhere, lucky for me Garnets classroom is on the ground floor, I swore it was like a third floor at least. When I got to my dorm room Lapis was playing some games and asked “hey did you get Garnet to make us the best dildo ever?” I shook my head. “Well that’s a shame… anyway, I'm going to a party tonight see ya” she put on her leather jacket and from the pocket took out a molly and put it on her tongue while she closed the door. 

I didn’t clean the blood from my face or even change clothes I just went straight to bed and for the first time in a long time I didn’t masturbated the whole night, I masturbated and cried the whole night. Yay progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing about rubbing clits still, p-dot porn addict still and Lapis manipulative drug addict still  
Wasting my life writing meaningless fanfics to combat depression still.  
LMAO   
comments are always appreciated   
please talk to me  
even if you just want to insult me I'll take it


	3. God forgive me for being such a fucking thot go listen to jpegmafia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shenanigans ensue

Its monday, tuesday, Wednesday maybe even Thursday I don't know but im sure it was a summer day, I know this cause it was so hot outside even Trump would declare a climate crisis. I needed more weed so I went to Garnet’s place, a spacious apartment with wide windows showering the whole place with sunlight, the linking room was filled with bookshelves and pots, plants and enough quirky miscellaneous stuff to fill a basic ass Pinterest board.

“You know I can hear you right? You’re monologuing out loud”

“Shut up Garnet!” *clears throat* "as I was saying, I came to get some weed but Garnet clearly had other plans in mind, her inviting attitude and tea setup told me she wanted to have a chat with me, probably about how I’ve been, my addiction and emotional baggage. Then she’ll tell me an insightful anecdote with a moral at the end which will unfuck my head"

“That’s not at all what I was planning *sigh* I was just having tea by myself before you busted in here. I'm not a psychiatrist y’know? 

“Oh really then why do you have this stereotypical psychiatrist patient chair huh!? Is very comfy by the way"

“Thanks. It was a gift from another fucked up student after he vented about his issues, I don’t know why y'all think I’m gonna fix you up but if you keep bringing gifts then Ima keep em"

"Your welcome"

"You haven't given me shit"

"Well first of all fuck you, and second to answer your question a Garnet solving everyone's issues is kind of a trope in these fics or thats what Peridot was rambling about the other day, something about the need for an authority figure that's also gay and cool"

"So basically authors lack a motherly figure that can help them, so they take my character and make me say stuff they think might help but it doesn't actually work cause they don't have a psychology degree just positive stuff they read on tumblr"

"Uhhhh yeah I guess that's it. Sometimes Rose filled that but after the movie…"

"Yeah, pink made some.. Dick moves honestly"

"Yeah fuck her! selfish bitch who fucked up when she was young, and then tried to solve things when she was older,by moving on and leaving toxic people behind… like my ex"

"..."

Tears started to come out Lapis’s eyes and Garnet wondered if she had taken out the trash yet.

"Why? Why? You leave me pearl!? I still love you!"

"Is that it? A bad break up? actually I can help you with that just let me give you the number of-"

"No that's not all”

*sigh* “no of course not, it never is”

“I need an intervention, I need an exorcism I need a therapist, I need help with paranoia and drug addiction”

"Mhmm okay okay so what if, it’s crazy but hear me out, you get professional help?"

"Ha it is crazy?! Do you think a student like me can afford medical treatment? Its cheaper to get overdosed on cocaine than to get a fucking doctor"

"What about the College counselor?"

"That creepy dude? He drinks one bottle of Rum a day when he thinks nobody is watching and I'm pretty sure the only reason he hasn't told me "Dyke, you need to get a dick" is cause he'd get fired"

*sigh* yeah he's quite the homophobe. Fine i'll listen to you while I smoke this blunt, but just a heads up I really I suck at treating depressed people"

"Oh come on you cant be that bad"

"Well, you wanted an anecdote no? I had a friend who got depressed real bad, so I bought them a cat to cheer them up, support animal and all that y’know? but they were too depressed to even move and take care of the cat which was fine by the cat y'know how they are. the problem was the cat's shit, it just kept piling up and up in the apartment and my friend never leaved the apartment. Eventually we had to bust in cause neighbors were complaining about the smell and my friend wasn’t answering, so we kicked the door down and guess what was stinking"

"The cats shit?"

"Nope, well yeah but also my friends dead body, apparently enough cat shit is poisonous"

"Oh…"

"And that's the first time I inadvertently caused the death of a depressed person when I was 14"

"Okay fine I get it you suck but could you please just listen?"

“Okay but just because the author says so”

  
  


And so Lapis bitched about life for about, insert an unreasonable and funny amount of time here. She complained about racism and homophobia and sexism and depression and school and the environment and politics and economy.

“Poor you” said Garnet “you’ve been cursed with the symptoms of your whole generation”

They shared a laugh then a blunt, Lapis paid for some grams.

“Okay I gotta go cause this chapter is pretty fucking boring, any last minute advice that could actually help anyone reading this?”

Garnet hold her chin in her hand and looked into the distance for an eternity, then looked deeply into Lapis’s eyes for another eternity, then she drew the longest breath I have ever seen and exhale it. She opened her mouth but didn't speak, then she took off her sunglasses to looked at me straight in the eyes with her three eyes, no wait this is a human AU right? right, then she looked at me with her 2 eyes and one fake eye, then she opened her mouth as if to speak but instead she closed it, then she opened her mouth again and closed it again, then she repeated the action 3 times until finally she said:

"Yo buy my mixtape"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooooo okay i know its been a minute since the last chapter sorry
> 
> Also as you can see this is now part 2 of a series, the first part is very bad cause I tried to write a “serious drama” but to understand why it’s a series just read the last chapter, it’s pretty short don’t be lazy, or be lazy like my me!
> 
> Who wants to do a collab?! Please let’s write something together I swear I can write seriously, please I’m Lonely!


End file.
